Domestic Violence: Extracts of the lecture delivered at the YemieFash FANmily WhatsApp group by Mag Damilola Sekoni

The recent death of one of Nigeria’s leading gospel music artiste, Osinachi Nwachukwu, who was allegedly battered to death by her husband, has elicited nationwide outcry. Christian leaders have since risen in outright condemnation of the dastardly act, with many calling for her husband to face the hangman. Her death however, revealed the scary statistics of women who are subjected to inhumane and violent treatment in the hands of their spouses. What then is Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence according to the Law means any act perpetrated on any person in a domestic relationship where such act causes harm or may cause imminent harm or danger to the safety, health or wellbeing of any person.

Domestic violence is also called intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, dating violence, spousal abuse, and intimate partner abuse. It is any form of maltreatment that takes place in a heterosexual or homosexual romantic relationship between adults or adolescents.

You might want to ask what does domestic relationship entails?

Domestic relationship means a relationship between any person and a perpetrator of violence constituted in any of the following ways. Simply put, what are the category of persons the law protects:

A. They are or were married to each other including marriages according to any Law, custom or religion;

B. They live or have lived together in a relationship in the nature of a marriage although they are not or were not married to each other;

C. They are the parents of a child or children or are parents who have had a parental responsibility for a child or children;

D. They are family members related by consanguinity, affinity or adoption;

E. They are or were in an engagement, dating or customary relationship including actual or perceived romantic, intimate or sexual relationship for any duration of time; or

F. They co-habit or recently shared the same residence.

Let me simplify the legal jargons up there:

A. Is for married couples

B. Is for a man and woman loving together but not legally married. They are only cohabiting

C. They are not married but have children for each other

D. Family members not necessarily immediate family members

E. Couples still dating or in romantic relationship… Boyfriends or Girlfriends

If you are in any type of relationship as stated above and you suffer any form of abuse therein, the LAW covers you.

However if you do not fall under the above categories and you are abused for instance slapped by another person, it does not fall under Domestic Violence. It is simplicita Assault.

Now when we talk about domestic violence, many people have this erroneous belief that it ONLY involves slapping, hitting, kicking, pushing, shoving, pinching, shooting, stabbing, beating and murder. The Law has broadened Violence to mean any act or attempted act which causes or may cause any person physical, sexual, Psychological, verbal, emotional or economic harm whether this occurs in both private or public life, in peace time and in conflict situation. It can be physical, verbal (also called emotional, mental, or psychological abuse), sexual, economic/financial, and spiritual abuse. Stalking and cyber-stalking are also forms of intimate partner abuse.

Verbal, emotional, mental, or psychological violence is described as using words to criticize, demean, or otherwise decrease the confidence of the wife, husband, or other intimate partner victims.

Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that uses sex to control or demean the victim, like intimidating the victim into engaging in unsafe sex or sexual practices in which he or she does not want to participate.

Economic or financial abuse is described as threatening or otherwise limiting the victim’s financial freedom or security.

Spiritual abusers either force the victim to participate in the batterer’s religious practices instead of their own or to raise mutual children in a religion that the victim is not in favor of.

Stalking refers to repeatedly harassing and threatening behavior, including showing up at the victim’s home or workplace, placing harassing phone calls, voicemail, email, or postal mail messages, leaving unwanted items, or vandalizing the victim’s property. It is usually committed by perpetrators of other forms of domestic violence.

Cases of domestic violence in Nigeria have taken an upward swing in recent weeks, especially the physical aspect of it. If it is not about a man beating, maiming or killing his wife, it is about a woman dealing with her husband in like manner. There have also been reports of a man stabbing his brother to death for wading into a feud between him and his wife and a woman beating and blinding her grandchild, among others. In most cases, the police nab and prosecute the culprits in accordance with the laws of the land. But that has not proved to be enough deterrence; as such acts seem not to be ebbing.

For instance, on Wednesday, February 17, 2021, the Ondo State Police Command arrested one Queen Beatrice for allegedly killing her husband, Emmanuel Ikujuni, at Omotosho town, in Okitipupa local council of the state. Reports had it that the woman hit the head of the deceased with a plank following an argument that ensued between them because the deceased spoke with another woman on phone in her presence. The deceased was said to have collapsed after his wife hit him with the plank. His neighbours rushed him to a nearby hospital, where he was confirmed dead.

Also on the same day in Lagos State, the police arrested one David Idibie for the death of his 42-year-old wife, Juliana Idibie, who was found dead in their apartment. The state Police Public Relations Officer (PPRO), Olumuyiwa Adejobi, had said in a statement that the man was arrested for allegedly beating Juliana to death. The incident happened at Joado Street, Oke Ira Nla, Ajah Area of Lagos State. According to the police spokesperson, they found the body of Juliana in their apartment after a neighbour contacted the police. It was gathered that the deceased had engaged the suspect in a hot argument on certain matrimonial issues and in the process, she slumped and sustained a severe head injury. While lying in the pool of her blood, the angry husband refused to rescue her until she gave up the ghost.

I could not readily lay hands on a recent statistics on cases of domestic violence across the country. However, data from the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) showed that in 2021, the agency dealt with 2,584 domestic and sexual violence cases for adults, out of which women were the greatest victims with 2,349 cases. This supports the generally held belief that ladies generally are more vulnerable to domestic violence and are majorly the victims. Undesirably, these are outside the cases reported across the police stations in the state and nationwide. Thousands of cases go unreported as families, communities and religious leaders sometimes wade in to push such cases under the carpet.

Having had a broad outlook of what Domestic Violence is all about, we now move to the CAUSES OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

1. immature couples who may be unable to handle the challenges of diverse issues that daily crop up in marriages; economic pressures which could make couples highly vulnerable to frustration-aggression matrix, influence of external factors like side chicks, in-laws and untamed friendship.

2. Some individuals have mental health problems, which make it impossible for them to self-regulate their emotions in times of anger, anxiety, fear and basic responses to issues and situations. Not all mental health illnesses could be diagnosed by merely looking at an individual’s physical appearance, adding that a person’s mental health state comes into questioning when the only way he/she resolves an issue is by becoming violent and aggressive. An individual who experienced a traumatic event either as a child or as an adult and never got an intervention to heal from it will most likely suffer a mental health illness. If such a person gets married, all their pain and aggression will be poured on his/her spouse and it can come in any form of domestic violence.

3. Family upbringing is a root cause of domestic violence. When a child grows up in a home where all he sees are his parents fighting or that the only way an issue is settled in their home is the dad beating the mum or the mum beating the dad; where verbal and emotional abuse is what the home or the environment has presented to him, such a child will grow to an adult believing that it is normal for couples to fight or better still to beat his/her spouse to get him/her to stop misbehaving.

4. Culture – A culture that fails to frown at domestic violence but rather encourages it as one of the ways the husband can preserve a home encourages violent behaviour in the home. Some cultures basically enslave a female spouse in marriage thereby taking away her right of expression. When she tries to express her displeasure in the marriage, the man sees it as an attack and this will lead to physical or financial abuse on the woman.

5. Infidelity has been rated as one of the root causes of domestic violence in marriages. This is a case of one spouse committing adultery and the other spouse getting to find out or begins to suspect the spouse. When trust is broken in a marriage, one way the spouse who feels betrayed by their spouse would want to take their pound of flesh is to become violent thinking that violence will resolve the issue.

6. Also, a traumatic event is one major challenge couples are not prepared for like the loss of job and the loss of a loved one, maybe a child. Some spouses do not know how to handle or manage this situation. As a result of not being sensitive in their moment of pain, it creates a deeper pain and this may result in domestic violence that could end the marriage.

Others causes include:

– Mental health problems

– Poverty and unemployment

– Lack of good education (on the ethics of intimate relationships). Not knowing each other well before becoming a couple.

– Toxic relationships

– Low self-esteem

– Everyday stress and unpredictable hardships

– Growing up in an abusive family

– Low tolerance and lack of boundaries

– Lack of empathy

– Desire to exercise control

– Lack of trust

These and many more are the causes of Domestic Violence.

THE CONSEQUENCES/EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

Well, the first thing we need to acknowledge is the fact that domestic violence, on any level, tears families apart. While the physical injuries, bruises, swollen faces etc are immediately obvious, the long-term effects can be even more devastating for the victim.

There’s something called post-traumatic stress disorder (a psychological/mental health issue), and most times it can be as bad as that for the victim of domestic violence. That is, even after the victim gets help and walks away from the toxic relationship, he/she still finds it impossible to recover from the horrifying experience of domestic violence suffered in the past.

I have two cases before me in my court presently. When the victims were giving evidence in Court, at a stage they broke down in tears whilst relieving their experiences. As in crying like children. It is that bad.

Violence causes victims untold hardship in the form of: low self-esteem, depression, suicidal bouts, poor health results, death, loss of job/productivity and violation of human rights. The worst part is that children witnessing it, is itself violence. The society suffers through reduced taxes due to lost wages and demands on courts, health facilities and Police. Further, increase in broken homes due to violence distorts the fabric of the society, as family is the foundation of every society. Again, it constitutes obstacle to achieving equality, development and the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs).

Women with a history of intimate partner violence are more likely to display behaviors that lead to further health risks such as substance abuse, alcoholism, and suicide attempts. Intimate partner violence is also associated with a variety of negative health behaviors; studies show that the more severe the violence, the stronger its relationship to negative health behaviors by victims.

There is often an increased use of harmful substances and illicit drug use, alcohol abuse, and driving while intoxicated. Victims of intimate partner violence may also engage in unhealthy diet-related behaviors such as smoking, fasting, vomiting, overeating, and abuse of diet pills. They may also overuse health services.

Other consequences include:

– Inability to function in daily lives

– Absence from work and probable loss of job

– Anxiety and depression

– Self-harm, suicide attempts

– Alcohol and drug abuse (for lack of a better idea to deal with pain)

– Death

– Suicidal thoughts

– Emotional distress and psychological trauma

– Regular conflicts

– Increase in crime rate

– Changes in eating or sleeping patterns

– Diminished self-image (for the victim)

– Isolation and Poor social skills

– The tendency of the victim to become violent in future relationships

Having highlighted the consequences of Domestic Violence, I have some recommendations here for victims who are presently in toxic relationships

RECOMMENDATIONS/SOLUTIONS

Truth be told, the most difficult part is breaking the cycle of abuse and violence. And for the lack of better words, this requires strength and bloody courage. You know, the thing about domestic violence is, as a victim, you either convince yourself that you deserve all that abuse, or you just develop a serious disdain for violence, become emotionally tougher, get yourself out of the situation and even go as far as helping others. The latter is best both for the victim and the society as a whole.

I watched the video of a battered woman recently with blood all over her face and neighbors urging her to leave the matrimonial home. Even in her bloodied state,she was still insisting that she was going nowhere that she rather dies there.

While it was clear that people remain in abusive relationships for varying reasons ranging from the children to financial dependence, fear of the unknown; the cycle of abuse and religious and cultural beliefs, among others, it was pertinent to point out that the most important thing was to be alive.

I encourage anyone experiencing domestic violence to SPEAK UP and SPEAK OUT. You have options. While Nigerian women are often reluctant to speak out against their abusers, Nigerian men are even less likely to seek help due to the erroneous belief that it somehow makes them more of a weakling and less of a man –in the eyes of the public. When you speak up and report, it is not compulsory it ends up as a court case/prosecution; it is to ensure you receive psycho-social and other forms of support you might need to recover and get your life back on track.

When a woman complains about domestic violence in her home, she’s often told not to quit the relationship (whether or not it is unbearable for her). She’s encouraged by parents, relatives and even friends to be strong (and to put it in prayers).

Isn’t it surprising that one Nigerian woman tells another: “Just manage, ehn? Or you want to be the one that makes your husband go to jail? If you leave the marriage, you’re no longer a married woman. Who will take care of your children? Will you be able to marry again? (as if there’s something wrong with refusing to marry again) and what will people say about you?”

And what about men? Which Nigerian man wants to go around telling People That His Wife Abuses Him At Home? After all, the average Nigerian male is raised with a misguided sense of macho and is seen as the head of the home (whatever that means). As you might guess, when there’s a serious case of domestic abuse from his partner, he’ll rather tolerate or handle it discreetly than speak up! It is nearly impossible for the male victim to say “I’m suffering some serious domestic abuse from my partner, and I need help”. This misguided sense of macho means most Nigerian men who are suffering one form of domestic abuse or another do not even consider themselves victims.

I urge you NOT TO DIE in silence. SPEAK UP! SEEK HELP! Your MENTAL HEALTH matters.

Another important thing is: Stay away from alcohol and drugs when facing such abuse. You are more likely to become violent and abusive when your thought process is impaired by addictive substances.

Its high time we encouraged young Nigerians to always engage in solid courtship or relationship before venturing into marriage. When you court, you notice certain behaviours or signs that the marriage might not work. Those slaps, kicks, caning(we all saw the video of a young lady who the boyfriend and his friends were seriously caning after accusing her of infidelity. It happened in Kwara state just this week).

Every attitude is like smoke, cover it, it must escape and come out. With this, we can address and curb domestic violence to an extent. This is my opinion based on my encounter and experience with people most especially the victims. Most ladies do notice the RED FLAGS but just ignore them. The amount of divorce cases filed this year alone in Akure jurisdiction is over 100. Why go into an institution that is avoidable?

Most religious institutions can play a significant role as well, except that some propagates domestic abuse as a form of discipline or even discourages broken relationships that have nothing to do with infidelity. Nigeria is a rather excessively religious country and divorcees (domestic violence or infidelity or mutual reasons nobody really cares about your reasons) are regarded with contempt. My advice for you is WALK AWAY even when your religious bodies tells you to ENDURE. WALK AWAY to be ALIVE and LIVE to tell your story. Better Late than Never. A stitch in time, saves Nine.

Also and most importantly, Consider counseling (Although this field doesn’t really thrive in Nigeria, it has been shown to help). Both the abuser and victim can experience positive changes by seeking a therapist who specializes in treating domestic violence related cases.

Domestic Violence is a menace that lives with us in our society. We all are victims either directly or indirectly. It is either we are or have gone through same before, or we know someone that has or is going through same presently. If you are or you know any of such, kindly talk to me or visit the agency responsible for handling such cases in Ondo State – Ondo State Agency Against Gender-Based Violence(OSA- GBV) which is headed by the Wife of the Governor of Ondo State. This is their toll-free number – 08000078677273.

Ondo State has also enacted a Law to eliminate violence in private and public life, prohibit all forms of violence against persons and to provide for maximum and effective remedies for victims and punishment of offenders and other related matters. The law was enacted last year 2021 known as – Violence Against Persons Prohibition Law. Be rest assured, the agency and most importantly the LAW got you covered. Justice will be served where appropriate.

For further information on this topic, you can contact me via my line: 07039404271.

Or Email: dammydilaw@gmail.com